I am no longer tolerating BS from middle-aged men in my career, in their attempt to invalidate my opinions and make me feel small.

‘Run your ideas through some experienced people before posting on LinkedIn’

‘I hope you enjoyed your holiday’

‘You should try reading the Scrum Guide’

‘If you want to have a public opinion about something you should at least learn the basics’

‘Read more on the purpose of Scrum here’

Reading these comments back, they sound a bit like they were shouted by a kid in a playground that had run out of insults. The sad thing is, they’re actually all comments from middle-aged men on a LinkedIn post that I wrote last week about MY opinions on ‘traditional SCRUM teams’.

It’s safe to say it caused an uproar. The funny thing is, my main take-aways from this post are no longer anything to do with Scrum (I’ll come back to that one another time!). Instead, it’s made it even clearer to me that we need cannot keep standing for this kind of BS in our careers.

It’s not like this is the first time men have tried to belittle me in my career.

The thing is, this is nowhere near the first time that I have experienced this in my career. Some of my favourite examples include:

• Being told by the Dean of my University that he couldn’t believe I made it in to the University, as I wasn’t intelligent enough. It’s funny that I managed to graduate that year with a First Class honours degree, the highest grade in Economics in my year & ironically - the Dean’s Prize for Citizenship.

• Being told by a mentor that I should tolerate BS at work and it’s my job to put a smile on my face and move through it.

• Having calls with a Senior leader to make improvements to our ways of operating, to help make us more effective as teams, and leaving every single one of them crying on the sofa.

• & most recently working with a client who hired a new ‘Head of Technology’, who went on to unpick all of the incredible progress we had made so far and shut me down every time I tried to speak.

Before anyone looks to say the common denominator is me, you’re not wrong. I wish it was just me. In every single one of these scenarios, every single other person that I worked with felt exactly the same. The majority just didn’t speak up in fear of putting their career in jeopardy

Here are some of the best lines I’ve heard when I’ve tried to get support from other people.

‘It’s just how he is’.

‘It’s how it works, you have to get on with it’.

‘He was probably having a bad day’.

We all try to shy away from it, accept it as it is, protect ourselves and our careers. & that is the problem. As soon as we’re dealing with senior people that control our promotions, and whether we can continue with our contract - we’re handing over the power to them.

The problem is, these undermining comments really take a toll on our careers.

For too long these comments and this behaviour made me feel like I wasn’t good at my job. They subconsciously stopped me from making the career moves that I wanted to. They made me feel like I was unworthy of a pay rise. They held me back from pushing for the changes that my team really needed. & most recently it has really come to light how much they’ve held me back now that I run my own consultancy and coaching business.

I spent the second half of 2023 doing so much inner work to unpick everything I’ve been told. To re-learn my values and what I actually stand for. To reflect on where I have been extremely successful in my career, and why. To allow me to truly step into my power and what I want to do next, without being made to feel small, incapable or unworthy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have often been a badass and not held back completely, but these comments still chip away at you over time. You really start to question whether it is you. Whether you are sh*t at your job, and whether you could have done more to influence in a positive way.

It’s taken me years to learn that it isn’t me. I cannot change everyone’s behaviour. I cannot protect everyone’s ego.

I am no longer here to shy away from sharing my wealth of experience and opinions.

At the end of 2023, I reflected on my year and decided that I was done with holding back my opinions, thoughts and beliefs in case I upset anyone, or caused any contraversy. I wanted to state my true opinions (based on concrete evidence of working with a tonne of teams and creating millions of pounds in revenue for different orgs). & boy did I come out with a bang and p*ss a few people off with this one.

For anyone that isn’t in the field of software development, bear with me here on the explanation.

Last week I posted about MY views and opinions on what I called ‘Traditional SCRUM teams’. Traditional being ‘produced, done, or used in accordance with tradition’. Tradition being ‘the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation’. My choice for using this word, is that it describes the way that it has been, and still is, in so many orgs.

My experience of working with 'SCRUM' teams, and my insights from other product people, is that they traditionally have a BA and a SCRUM master (caps kept here for tradition).

This statement definitely ruffled a few feathers. This was to be expected when talking about a topic that seems to be more protected by it’s community than the Galapagos Island tortoises.

Most of the debate was super engaging, and so many people were learning from different viewpoints.

If you want to see more the post is here.

The unfortunate downside of men trying to hold their power.

However, what I had totally forgotten might happen, were the rifts of people that would come out to invalidate my views and opinion, as it didn’t hold with their truth.

Here are some more of my latest favourites, as the comments keep coming in:

‘Not sure the relevance of the picture are you looking for your team?’

‘I do not like this discussion about what is not working in YOUR experience about Scrum’

‘are you saying that you are knowledgeable about the theory of Scrum?’

‘The knowledge you shared about Scrum is as much irrelevant as your post picture with the post text.’

'Its just wrong and undermines your credibility'.

Now don’t get me wrong, if I’m posting something that I know could be controversial for some people, I am expecting some debate in the responses. However, there is a difference between respectful debate and this undermining style of engagement.

It's not all men

Before I go any further I need to say now, that it is not ALL men. One of my favourite things about this post were the number of heroes that showed up. People that engaged respectfully, even if they disagreed. Those that highlighted how outrageous some of these comments are. Those that checked in with me in the DMs. Those that re-posted and particularly highlighted how this post is an example of ‘How men explain things to me’. I appreciate every single one of you, it makes so much difference to how these conversations can be held.

I also know that, at times, women can also behave this way.

I have worked with some incredible men in my career, who have had my back, challenged me in a healthy way and really supported me to grow into the person that I am so proud of being now. & I thank all of you!

It needs to change

However, as an observer of my own post, and all of my examples presented at the beginning, it is impossible not to notice that every single comment that came my way to make me look small, and make the other person look powerful came from a man.

The other noticeable thing, were the women in my inbox telling me that they agreed with my post, but they held back from commenting (and I do not blame them!).

& this is what is happening, a handful of men are still running around, using these methods of invalidation to try to keep us quiet. To stop us from speaking up, sharing our opinions and feeling worthy of having a voice that can be respected and listened to.

& I am so f*cking tired of it. I am tired of people thinking that this is OK, that this kind of language is appropriate. I am fed up of not just me, but so many people of all genders being made to feel this way by a minority of people.

What can we do?

I know that I can’t change people’s behaviours, but what I can do is choose how I react. I can choose to no longer engage. I can choose to not take on board these comments.

& I can speak to, and speak up for every single other person that has been made to feel this way. That has been shut down when they voice an opinion. That have had people attempt to stop them in their tracks as soon as they threaten other people’s views.

You might say that that’s just the nature of business, that you need to deal with it. But I refuse to believe that in 2024 we have to tolerate this kind of behaviour. I know that there are enough incredible businesses and leaders out there, that we can work in environments that allow us to thrive. That allow us to have a difference of opinion in a constructive way. Where we can open conversations and we can learn from each other.

I’m no longer in fear that I won’t get my next promotion, or might lose a client. Instead, I am in fear that if we tolerate this behaviour, we will stay small. That we will let those that play this hand to keep the power keep us down.

This is how I will continue.

So here I am to say, if you’ve ever been made to feel this way. It is not you. & if you do feel this way, you can do the inner work to overcome it (it takes time but it is so worth it). You can show up as yourself and find the environments that you can thrive in. You can be challenged, but still respected. You can learn and grow all the while, whilst being supported. It might not feel like you can step away from some environments right now, but as a collective we can keep working to change this. We can work to empower others and lift them up.

& if anyone is reading this that has chipped in, supported people and helped them out. Please know that you are appreciated more than you will ever realise!

For anyone that is reading this and is thinking this woman is mad, she clearly is sensitive and has a bee in her bonnet. That’s lovely, we wouldn’t work well together anyway.

If you’re reading this and thinking f*ck yes, about time we shut down this BS. Then I think we might get on pretty damn well! & THAT is what I am now here for.